Good stuff
You’re not “jacked up”. We all have stuff, and we all need to work on many areas of our lives. But I really feel that God truly wants to walk with you on a healing journey (things you’ve never even thought of.. from your childhood even that he wants to deal with) and bring you into complete wholeness in who you are in Christ. Without depending on another to fulfill you. He is going to pull you out of loneliness and you are going to stand tall and firm on your Firm Foundation. Your roots are going to go much deeper down in terms of intimacy and oneness with God and your ministry will carry and release deep conviction, holiness, and a hunger for intimacy with the Father. Remember that the idea of marriage originates between us and Jesus. If we can’t be singular and whole in our relationship with him and in full dependence on him, co-dependency and unrealistic expectations can form within our relationships and friendships – sometimes leading to irreplaceable damage. God wants you to feel the solidification of the foundation that He is beneath your feet so that when you do meet the right person (the “right one” will be the one you pursue and choose, be it that she says yes to you and walks down that aisle) you will be able to lead her well as a man of God, the way Jesus leads us. Just like marriage, intimacy with God is a partnership and love is a choice even when we don’t fully understand or see what is going on. God sees and knows the full blue print of our lives and when you do marry, he will reveal to you the significance of what was being orchestrated all along. But Jesus is our First Love. He is the only one who truly can complete us – and when you surrender your marriage dreams and desires to him he will set you free of loneliness and I believe that when you come to a place of contentment where you are, then the Lord will bring her into the picture. She is on a journey too, and when you collide and become one, the power within your ministry will be explosive Also, I’m not saying that marriages won’t work if wholeness isn’t already found in Christ, to be clear. I’m speaking from what I’ve learned about wholeness and a process I walked through with God to get to this place after a really tough, painful season. But it taught me so much and God showed me that I was making an idol out of marriage, an idol out of Andrew even. He has been marked with purity and holiness and neither of us wanted to compromise that on either end, so after opening up to each other, we stepped into darkness and idolization without even knowing it – when we were keeping God at the very center with every conversation and feeling the Lord on it all. But the timing wasn’t right and God spoke to us both about our individual growth as we were both experiencing torment. The torment came from idolizing each other and placing each other in the God spot /throne of our hearts. We were both feeding something inside each other and God showed him we had a soul tie (let me make it clear we had 0 physical intimacy ever besides a hug -but we met each other in a very vulnerable/spiritually heavy atmosphere) that was the size of two pipe beams that go underneath a paved road. That’s how strong our connection was. His broke before mine did, and when mine did it felt like something in my shattered. It took about 3 months for me to fully dethrone him, because he had such a grip on my heart, though he is so intentional, pure and tender hearted. I was convinced he was it, and he still could be. But I had to release him, my future husband in general and invite Jesus to become everything to me and show me what that would look like. He was so kind to me and walked me through it all day by day, provided me with the right resources. And even though I was left in limbo and andrew told me “because I to love you well, honor and respect you, I don’t think we should have contact”, Jesus helped me to release that all to him. I haven’t spoken to Andrew in nearly 5 months and I might never again. But just as Jesus pursues me, my husband will too and the timing will be right. The Lord will show you what that looks like for you as a man, and pursuing whoever he brings into the picture. And he will. When my husband does step into the picture, we will be a power couple filled with the Holy Spirit and a beacon of hope/life for others marriages because Jesus remains the center. Yours will too
Praying that God will give you the peace and JOY that you need in this season and that he would show you what stepping into fullness and partnership with him and what He’s called you to now, looks like. Because there IS fullness of joy for you wherever you’re at, complete peace, redemption, restoration, healing, dancing, singing, rejoicing, and TRUST that God is intentional, timely, and doesn’t waste a moment
Remember, you are first and foremost His son. A prince. And our priority as sons and daughters is intimacy with our Daddy God.
“All fruitfulness flows from intimacy” – sweet Mama Aida ♥️ Jesus has used her to really drill that into me so deep down.