You know, it is never fun when God decides to start touching darkness in your heart. I think that the best and worst prayer possible is, “God, examine my heart and take away any darkness.”
February has traditionally been a month of great trial for me. Jordan’s suicidal stuff, many fires, etc. have tend to come in February. God just cleans house that month with me.
So, in the last month, I have found my heart growing discontented with life. I want more God. I want the anointing to be released. I want more power. Hey, I see less than I did 4 years ago. That is not glory to glory. That is living in an old wineskin.
I believe that it was the LORD who stirred up my spirit on this matter.
Then, I start getting a poopie heart towards Bridgeway. I get the offense going. Hey, I have been walking in this a long time. I deserve… I really want to keep growing, and I want to see my stuff get activated. I dont want to go through another baby school event on how to hear God.
And, I started getting a lot of prophetic words. Use your gifting. Step out. Move out. Go up higher. La la la la la. I’m like yea, no doubt, but Bridgeway wont let me. And, I cannot see. And, I should be seeing more.
So, I got offended. There was a crack in my armor. And, the devil took notice. He came right in and started talking to me about what I deserve. I agreed completely. Pride occurs before the fall.
Last week, the fall came.
I started talking to Grant about my discontentment and how I deserve more. I shared with my small group the same. They had harsh words for me. They were right.
Faye called me twice last week. The second time, she tells me that she had to attend some class that she once taught and that it was submission to authority. I got the point.
The LORD was very gracious to do this work. He just is amazing on how He knows where and how to bring out that darkness. Then, He lops it off. And, you are cleaner than before.
Man, I sure do hope that it’s over.
I felt a bit puny yesterday at church. I didnt want to worship or do much of anything. But, I could feel His presence on me in spite of that.
I told Him that I didnt like this so much. He knows. But, I affirmed my believe in His goodness.
He is good. And, fires are not fun.
But, perhaps the coal was placed upon my lips, and I was made a little more clean.
It’s awesome that God disciplines the ones that He loves. It’s a sure sign that you are in when you walk through stuff like this.