Laura and I havent spoken in almost 2 weeks – not of anything except where to be to hand off the kids or something to do with Jordan’s trips or school.
I dont want Laura in my heart any longer. I dont know if this is God, the devil or me. I just am done with the pain that she puts on me. I feel that she keeps me from being a man and coming into the fullness of who I was created to be. Now, that sounds more like the devil than anyone talking.
Anytime anything God comes up, she wars against me. It is not ok to seek God, with passion and at any cost. I want Jesus. I just want Him. If He has something going on in FL, I want in. If He has something in ATL, I want in. I just want to be where He is moving around. I want to know Him better. I want to learn about His heart. I want Him.
I also want to find Him in Laura. It is so odd that He is in between she and I.
I am ready to pursue a life without her. My prayers are mixed and speak of release from her vs. salvation of this marriage. LORD, if that isnt double minded.
So, tomorrow is our anniversary, and I plan on just getting on my airplane and leaving for Israel without speaking a word to her. Some celebration that is.